It was a typical weeknight of doing a bit of work followed by a lot of TV watching when I reached to check my phone and realized I had a missed call from “unknown number”. I didn’t think much of it, other than Whatever, I probably didn’t want to speak to you anyway, and continued on with episode 3 of The Sinner.
The next night I was in the middle of episode 5 when “unknown number” called again. I was a little annoyed to see that whatever telemarketer was sneakily trying to call me last night with their incognito number hadn’t given up and was trying to disturb my night once again. As my inner bitchiness was growing by the second, I picked up with an uncontrollably obnoxious hello. All I could hear on the other end was two Mississippi’s worth of background noise followed by a fuzzy “hi, Jessica?”, to which I responded “what? ya…”, “Hey, it’s Yoga Guy McYogaGuy, your sister-in-law Melissa’s friend. She said she’d tell you I was going to call….?” She said what? “Oh, no she definitely did NOT tell me that.” She really didn’t.
Now, I know many girls would think it was so nice and refreshing for a guy to actually pick up the phone and call, but all I could think was f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, while I immediately started to sweat all over. A phone call??? Dude, it’s not 2008, no need for that kind of unannounced live interaction. Now I needed to be awake, chatty, AND charming, with no notice at all? I would have been so much happier with a nice impersonal text. But a little voice inside of me said ok girl, get it together, maybe this guy is the love of your life. Pause your tv show, put on your big girl panties and deal. So I did. The convo went something like this:
Me: Anyways, how’s it going?
Him: Pretty good, you?
Me: Good thanks. What are you up to?
Him: Just leaving work.
Me: Nice. What do you do?
Him: Bla bla accounting bla bla big company.
Me: That sounds cool.
The rest of the phone call was just as staccato. I know that first interactions are usually awkward no matter, how could they not be, but this was beyond. Making conversation was like pulling teeth. I asked questions and he responded with long-winded answers that trailed off to no where, to the point that I would be waiting for the point of his story so I could respond, but then he would just stop talking, indicating that his story was done, and I still didn’t see what he was getting at, so would just change the subject. I tried to tell myself that some people are just not phone people (but then maybe send a text instead?), or maybe he was super nervous (we’re all adults, calm the f down), but then the kicker happened.
In a desperate attempt to fill the uncomfortable silence for the third time in 10 minutes, I brought up a song that I had heard earlier in the day that my friends and I were obsessed with in high school and that I hadn’t heard in ages. It took him a few seconds to realize what song I was referring to, but said it was from waaaay after high school, did I mean I loved it during university? I was like, no man definitely high school, don’t you remember? Then it hit me that maybe we just aren’t the same age, duh. So I straight up asked how old he was, maybe that was the source of our conflicting timelines. In that moment the phone went fuzzy again and all I heard was “forty se——n”. Assuming I didn’t hear what I thought I had heard I asked him to repeat it. Nope, I heard right the first time. FORTY SEVEN!!!!! That’s over 10 years older than me!!!!!! Whaaaaat? Should I just call him Dad?? And let me get this straight, he’s been alive for 47 years and is STILL this awkward with the ladies? Holy moly. Does he even want kids? Does he already have kids? So many new questions came up.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that in some cases age is just a number, and if I met some amazing guy who happened to be that much older than me, I would totally go for it, no question. But my sis-in-law thought I would hit it off with this awkward dinosaur? Thanks for the compliment, sis.
At this point I still felt an obligation to at least meet him for a drink, maybe Yoga Guy isn’t sooo bad in person, and I definitely couldn’t tell my sis-in-law that I shut the operation down after one phone call, that’s just rude. Thankfully he soon wrapped up the call by asking if/when I’d be up for a drink. We agreed on Tuesday next week and he said he would get in touch later in the week to discuss the details.
I said no problem, just text me.