If you were to scroll through my online dating profile pictures you would see some pretty basic stuff. Not to say that I don’t look like a sexy fox or like the coolest girl on the block, obviously, but I still try to keep it real. They’re pictures of me looking cute in front of things that are nice or representative of me, like a gorgeous view in Spain or the poster of my favorite musical in NYC. I also make sure that they look like me on an average day, and I especially make sure to keep them non-obnoxious. I’m never leaning over showing my cleavage, nor am I ever so done up that when I meet a guy in person he’s all “New phone who dis? You sure YOU’re the girl in your pictures?” I think it’s only fair.
So when I’m swiping on Bumble or happn, I already know what interests and attracts me vs. what makes me laugh at a guy. I’ll mostly swipe left (that means NO to you online dating virgins, you lucky ducks) if the guy just doesn’t seem like my general vibe, and I’ll always swipe left and also roll my eyes when the guy has pictures of his motorcycle or of him topless in his bathroom mirror. This might sound awful, and I wish there were more to it than a few snapshots and maybe a sentence, but that’s just not how it works in this virtual day and age.
I bring this up because last night while on a commercial break from This Is Us I was wiping away my tears and swiping away at my apps when I came across a mirror selfie that was just too much. It was I-live-alone-but-still-laughed-out-loud type of too much. Although it was a mirror selfie and showed what I’ll admit was a great bod, his top was STILL ON! but was lifted to just above his nips. Also, his pants were on too, however they were just undone. I was so struck by this picture that I had to take a screenshot of it and share it here with all of you. I made sure to cut his face off since I’m only a mid-level a-hole.
You may not have the same reaction as me, but here are the things really did it for me:
- His shirt not being completely off- Is he too lazy to actually fully remove it? Might he only lift my top to above my tatas if we were to ever get it on?!? That’s awkward… Or does he have really nice abs and pecks but super ugly shoulders so he wants to conceal them? After all that iron pumping that would be a huge bummer.
- His shirt not being completely off (again)- He’s putting the focal point on his toned abs and pecks. I mean they are indeed very nice and he must have worked very hard to get them like that, and maaaaybe I wished my abs that were that nice, but to me he’s making it seem like it’s the only thing that matters, like even his face is secondary!
- His pants are undone- His pants? Really? Does he want to show that he knows how to use a zipper? Or maybe he wanted to show off his favorite CK undies? It makes me feel like he’s trying to sleep with me right through the screen of my iPhone!
Now maybe I’m a prude (highly likely), or maybe I’m just too old for this sh*t (sad reality), but come on man! Is there anything more to you? I wouldn’t even know because it was his only picture! I just found this went the extra mile of hilarious. Conversely, if his goal was just to find some sweet biddy to bang tonight (again, highly likely), then congrats- that message is loud and clear, and good on him for advertising his intentions so blatantly. In the end, we’re both single (I hope) and trying to find something we are missing using a dating app, so really who am I to judge?!
All this to say, I really don’t mean to sh*t all over this guy, truly. To each their own, you do you, bro. Maybe he’s actually the man of my dreams- but because of those pictures we’ll never know… In all fairness he probably saw my pictures and thought “Damn, she’s cute but look at all the clothes she’s wearing, she’s definitely not putting out on the first date. NEEEXT.”
And he would be perfectly right, and that’s ok.
Well mostly right… hehe 😉
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