So I met him. Oh boy. Here’s how it went down:
We rescheduled to meet on Friday, so on Thursday night he texted (thank god) to confirm. Mid-text it dawned on me that I truly had no idea who I would be looking for once I got to the bar the next day. I mean I tried to Facebook stalk him, Google him, even find him on LinkedIn and Instagram, but as you know, he was no where to be found. Seeing as I was about to meet the most untraceable person out there, I flat out asked him how I’ll know who he is when I get there. We were meeting after work on a Friday so it’s possible other guys would be hanging at the bar waiting to meet friends (and I’ll be sure to check each of them out too, don’t you worry). He answered that he’ll be the one in a plaid blazer.
A plaid blazer?
I couldn’t tell if he was joking and I wasn’t sure if it was funny. What’s a plaid blazer? Is that some kind of hipster thing? Was it some kind of he doesn’t know how to dress thing? Of course him providing me with info on how to find him ended up confusing me even more, I’m starting to notice a pattern here….
Friday arrived and I woke up with a full-blown cold. A throat hurting, nose running, take 2 Advil Cold & Flu every 4 hours type of cold. But there was no way I was cancelling this date. As I left work at 5 and raced to the bar where we were meeting, I realized that my Advil-induced 4 hour feel-better window was starting to close. Once I got there I rallied, took a deep breath, and walked in. The host told me that Yoga Guy was here and was sitting upstairs. Here goes nothing. I got upstairs and searched the room for a plaid blazer, but couldn’t find one. What I did find was the only guy sitting alone, so I went up to him and introduced myself. Thankfully it was him, and it was only once I was within 2 feet of him that I saw the microscopic “plaid” squares on his jacket- they were really more like checkers. In that moment I realized that stressing about what a plaid blazer said about him last night was 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.
Anyway, I was about to sit down when I found myself oddly confused, and it took me a few seconds to realize why. He was seated in a corner booth, and because the bar was pretty small, there were only the 2 corner spots to sit in, no chairs on the 3rd and 4th sides of the table. A little presumptuous, no doubt. But the weird part is that he was sitting in neither of the 2 adjacent booth spots, he was sitting in the actual corner, which was not even a seat! I was sure because the corner of the table was jutting into his torso. So of course I was confused, he was sitting in neither seat AND in both seats all at the same time! No matter which side I chose to sit at I would have to turn my entire body around to face him. Awkward on top of awkward.
I finally sat down but because I was nervous I started talking incessantly, and because I was feverish I immediately popped my Advils with the only glass of water at the table, which I can only assume was his. I then apologized for speed talking while downing pills in his face with his water. Who’s the freak now? Thankfully he laughed politely at my antics.
The rest of the date was fine, nothing earth-shattering, pretty much no chemistry, but still fine. He did have a cool story about how he had a small speaking role in a movie with a well-known actor, and spent a summer training with him (physically) for the role. I later wondered if he told that story to every girl he went out with, like if that was his “first date story”. I then realized that I didn’t have a first date story- is that something people have? should I have one? I just assumed my tactics of being cute, charming, and cutting (when necessary) were enough to lure the boys in. Have I been doing it all wrong…? Maybe my milkshake wasn’t enough to bring all the boys to the yard… and that’s why I’m here writing this blog instead of a mommy blog. Damn.
Close to 2 hours in, the Kleenex I had been using the entire time was getting soggy and I was on the verge of being too tipsy to drive home, so we asked for the bill and headed out. As we said our goodbyes he leaned in for a kiss kiss on the cheeks while also attempting to shake my hand, or at least take my hand, and I got so uncomfortable with both that I blurted out “you don’t want to touch me, I’ve been holding snot in my hand for the past 2 hours” (referring to my Kleenex). Well. That stopped him in his tracks. As he laughed in shock at the stupidity that came out of my mouth, he responded with “oh, and here I thought I was going to be all romantic”. ROMANTIC?! Romantic?! Dude it’s a first date, who said anything about romance? On a first date all I care about is making sure I can tolerate your stupid face. Save the “romance” for Valentine’s Day…. Luckily I was able to keep a straight face after he said that, and I thanked him for the drinks and ran away.
He texted me a few days later to ask how I was feeling, which was very nice of him, but the messages died out pretty quickly. I think it was clear to both of us that nothing would come of this. Looking back I think that his sole purpose in my life was to provide me with intrigue, entertainment, and hundreds of words-worth of blog posts, and for that I thank you, Yoga Guy.
Best of luck with your next phone call.
PS. Although I think Advil Cold and Flu is a miracle drug, this post was in no way sponsored by them. However, in the off-chance that you are reading this, Mr. Advil, have your people call my people 😉